The Holyish Biffble:
Of the Living Room, or the Book of the Lord’s Debauchery:
In the beginning, there was Chris. There was also the Lord, but He spent most of His time on the Couch of the Heavens, watching preruns of Friends and eating Ben and Jerry’s, and Chris looked upon the Lord and said unto Him, “Go do something, I’m gonna use this room for something.”
And the Lord said unto Chris, “Okay. I’ve been meaning to create some humans anyways. Is there any beer in the fridge?”
And Chris said, “Yeah, knock yourself out,” and so the Lord went forth and got totally wasted and woke up several hours later with some cosmic whores and a new tattoo.
Of the Making of Biff, or the Book of Biff:
When Chris took over the Living Room, He sat upon the floor and got out His Legos. “I shall create for My amusement and the amusement of the humans that the Lord will create when He gets off His lazy ass a humorous demigod, and the demigod shall be called Biff, and he shall be amusing.” And so Chris began to build. At first he built a robot, which was really cool and had arms that really moved, and Chris played with it, and made it go beep and zoom, but it was not yet right. So Chris put aside His robot, which was really cool and had arms that really moved, and He made a doggy, but it was small and uninteresting, and so He took it apart.
At last, Chris made a man, who was like Him in form, but with less hair and more eyebrow, and He breathed life into the man and said unto the man, “you are Biff, who is to be funny. Never shall men hear your voice, for it is great and wondrous. Never shall you be seen with another of your like, for you are divine and powerful, and now I shall give you your commission. You are to be a great and powerful one, and shall have powers of creation like unto the gods, but the Legos of Power I shall not give to you, for they shall make you more than you are, and all things must have their place.”
And Biff said unto Chris that it was okay, and he created for himself a book, which was the Book of Biff.
Upon the first day, Biff went to the barber, and the barber took too much off the top, and Chris looked, and He saw that it was funny, but the Lord was still really drunk, and just never got around to taking a look.
Upon the second day, Biff saw that the void was dark, and so he made a fire, but the Lord said unto him, “I was gonna do that later, so could you put that out?” and Biff took the great hammers George and Gracie and pummeled the fire, making a big mess of things, and Chris looked, and He saw that it was funny, and the Lord chuckled a bit, but was a little less amused, because he was still suffering from a hangover and the noise kinda hurt.
Upon the third day, Biff got stuck in the fan, and Chris had to call the fire department to get him out, but it did not yet exist, and so the Lord created it and then Chris called it. Chris looked and He saw that it was funny, and the Lord looked, and He said, “try not to do that again, okay?”
Upon the fourth day, Chris got bored and created the Gungerlock, and the Gungerlock tried to eat Biff, and Chris looked, and He saw that it was funny, but the Lord was busy creating stuff.
Upon the fifth day, Biff shrunk his clothes, and forever afterwards would his voice be higher and pained, and Chris looked, and he saw that it was funny, but the Lord was busy creating stuff.
Upon the sixth day, Biff blew a fuse and stood on the stairs for seven hours until Chris noticed and did some repairs, but it was okay, because the Lord came up with a funny caption on His lunch break, and Chris looked, and He saw that it was funny.
Upon the seventh day, Biff used a nutcracker as chopsticks, and Chris looked, and He saw that Biff was terrible at using chopsticks, and so He decreed that a fork should be forever in Biff’s drawer, and it wasn’t immediately funny until Chris made a joke about how Biff had a lot of problems with nutcrackers, and then they all giggled like unto schoolgirls.
Of the Creation of Toastersnake, or the Book of Toastersnake:
After many days, Biff became bored with his life, and longed for a companion of his own creation, and so he devised a plan. Late in the night, Biff went into the closet, and took seventeen of the Legos of power for himself. Long did he labor, but the power of the Legos was too great at first for him to control, and so he took from the earth that the Lord had created a snake, and he built of the Legos a toaster, and made them one.
The Toastersnake was a great and wondrous creation, with the power of the gods and funniness of Biff, and though It was not able to speak, upon Its coils rang the music of the universe, and the Toastersnake was wise and wonderful, and was a great companion to Biff.
In the morning, Chris saw what Biff had done, and He was full of wrath. He called Biff to His side and said, “Because you have done this thing that is forbidden to you, taking the Legos of Power and creating a living being with them even as I have told you, to please not do that, I shall curse you. Forever shall you be getting into painful situations, and incorporating snake DNA into your toaster shall be called Really Annoying, for I am greatly annoyed.”
But the Toastersnake, seeing that Chris was displeased, let ring forth the sweet music of the Cosmos, and Chris was calmed. The Toastersnake then went forth to do great works, but Chris was afraid, for It was powerful and funny, and might be greater even than He.
Because Chris was afraid, He created an opposite to Toastersnake, which always would be humorless and would seek forever to hold the Toastersnake in check, and this was the Snaketoaster.
First of all It did, the Toastersnake went back into time, before the Beginning, when there were no Gods and only one Angel, which was kind of a sickly Angel anyways, and had a funny name, which was Wadsworth. Toastersnake rang forth then the Music of the Cosmos, and the Great Theme
began, and there were the Gods, and there was the Beginning, and once more Chris began His great labor, and the Toastersnake’s music became more complex. With each new creation, another theme was woven into the Great Theme, and ever did the Toastersnake need to devote Its attention to the Themes, until the end of Time, when the Lord tripped over the dog and fell upon the Universe and broke it asunder, and all were bummed.
Freed now from Its labors, the Toastersnake went forth once more into Creation, and It saw that Chris had created the Snaketoaster, which sought to make the Toastersnake as nothing in Its greatness, and so the two did battle. The Snaketoaster first tried to stop the Toastersnake’s Great Theme, but the Toastersnake stopped it.
The Snaketoaster then went back into the time before the Beginning, and upon its arrival, it ran into Wadsworth the Sickly Angel, who fell down and was called fragile forever afterwards.
The Toastersnake pursued it, and throughout all of Time, they did battle, until the end of Time when the Lord tripped over the dog and fell upon the Universe and broke it asunder, and all were bummed.
At the last, the Toastersnake knew that the Lord was become clumsy with wine after that crazy Christmas partyloution, when He sought to chat up Aphrodite, and so the Toastesnake fled from the Universe, and the Snaketoaster thought it was victorious, until the Lord’s kneecap did crush it, which caused the Lord to go “Ouch, stupid Snaketoaster.”
The Toastersnake once more returned to Creation, and It spent Its days by Biff’s side, and made for him toast, and was kind of annoying, but still pretty cool.
Of the Songs of the Great Theme, or the Book of the Song of Toastersnake:
Unto each part of the Great Theme, the Toastersnake did weave another for each person and thing and event that did occur, and some here are kept.
For each year that a person would grow, the Toastersnake would play for them a Song
, that all must echo.
For each failure, be it epic or small, the Toastersnake would play a Song
that all must echo.
For all other things, the Toastersnake would play a great Music that would be unechoable, though all sitcoms would seek ever to imitate them.
After a little while, the Toastersnake saw that song alone was not enough to make the people right, and so It issued a great many Generally Good Ideas, which are these:
1: It is a Good Idea to read the Book of Biff whenever you can.
2: It is a Good Idea to be nice to others, because you never know who gets violent when they’re angry.
3: It is a Good Idea to not kill people, ‘cause that’s just rude.
4: It is a Good Idea to toast all of your bread, in deference to the Toastersnake.
5: It is a Good Idea to dance to the music.
6: It is a Good Idea to save your work.
7: It is a Good Idea to pay respect to Drakey, for in his wisdom, he has given you these words.
8: It is a Good Idea to wear awesome underpants, for they are nifty and make people to laugh.
9: It is a Good Idea to award Biff Points for great successes.
And the Toastersnake looked upon Its Good Ideas, and It saw that they were very good ideas indeed, and it was good.