#608 – Deception

Whenever I hear a strange noise in the house I immediately take a mental inventory of the objects in the room to decide what I could most likely use to defend myself against the evil person that was surely about to climb the stairs mere moments from now. I never really come up with anything good. A small end table or a lamp are usually my best options as projectiles. Since there are always stairs involved I should probably just keep a bag o marbles next to the bed and be done with it.


68 thoughts on “#608 – Deception”

  1. Dwarg91 says:

    heh now you are making me paranoid at least I have a verry hevy wall wart next to my bed

  2. SEA says:

    I suppose i can use all the pointy things in my room…

    Also, the vote incentive is really something ^_^

  3. Dwarg91 says:

    speaking of dangerous objects I do have several tools and lamps by my bed not to mention a “portable” tv. (it actualy is semi portable but it is best to not try powering it when walking especialy because of the fact that it is whats using the wall wart

  4. Karen says:

    Heh … you are SO different from my friends and I. Last time someone knocked on my door in the middle of the night, I answered it with a sword in my hand. And another time, when a friend was sleeping over (in my bed, because another three friends were sleeping out on the couches and there was really nowhere else), I nearly impaled him with a wooden practice sword, because he cuddled up to me in his sleep and I wasn’t expecting it … fortunately I woke up before I actually hit him, but he REFUSES to let me live it down!

  5. Chris says:

    I hear wall warts aren’t fatal anymore, doctors figured out how to remove them without causing permanent damage.

  6. Bug says:

    I also attempt to make an inventory, luckily I just got a new lamp which has a pretty heavy base. My old lamp would break on contact with a marshmallow.

  7. Dwarg91 says:

    one thing that you should always account for when you go to sleep is what can be used as a potentialy leathal weapon and that could be anything from a lamp to whatever you could legaly have by your bed

  8. William Erasmus says:


  9. Charlotte says:

    When I went to Uni my mother bought me a very long and heavy MagLite torch- not because I particulary needed a torch but because it would help her sleep better knowing that I essentially had a long metal pole I could legally have near my bed and walk around with if going out late at night.

  10. RG says:

    My girlfriend keeps a metal pipe near her. Almost beat me with it, too…

  11. Bryce says:

    @Charlotte: At first I thought, ‘A Maglite torch? Thats not very practical’ Then I realized that torch for you is flashlight for me XD But yeah, those Maglights are all over my house…did you know they make mini ones too? I always thought people got them more for protection than convienance, but hey I could be wrong.

    Incidently,someone broke into my dads workshop a while back and after he called the police*, it took them a full 2 bloody hours to get there >.< Oh, funny thing, they stole a pair of wirecutters while they were there…the funny thing is, they had to step over a plasma torch to get to it

    *This was a good 3-4 hours after they broke in and got away…but still….lazy cops

  12. Drakey says:

    I like puppets. That is all.

  13. Cthulcantspell says:

    My best bet is the heavy wooden board I keep jammed under my doorknob.
    If someone tries to break down the door they have to run headlong into it in an attempt to break the knob off. Afterwards the only lethal implement I need is my old dresser, which I’ve placed right between my bed and the door. The big 1980’s tv on top doesn’t hurt either. Feng shui should be all about which pieces of furniture provide the best cover/damage value once toppled.

  14. Trevor says:

    Didn’t you already use that “Author comment”?
    Also, if anyone ever tried to break in, all I would need is my sisters sword, but I don’t know where that is now, so I guess this just gives me another reason to research towards the creation of a portable weapon that unleashes the wrath bees/hornets/yellow jackets.
    Hell hath no fury like a freaking bee.

  15. Trevor says:

    Ok, turns out it was just the same concept of an earlier post, not the same post.
    Also, I meant the wrath OF bees/hornets/yellow jackets.

  16. MaskedMan says:

    I’ve got the whole continuum… A dog, a cell phone, a hammer, a shotgun, and – most deadly of all – my wife. She’s a holy terror when scared or angry – I’d only turn her loose on someone who *really* annoyed me.

  17. Dulie says:

    Well…I have 2 cats that can cute the bad guy to death…a hammer or two in various parts of the house, a couple of firearms (Hell, this is South Dakota…if you can get them, might as well, we don’t have the politicians like Illinois, DC, or California yet) and I’ve got other things that could be thrown or used up close like.

  18. Chris says:

    @Trevor – I’m sure it won’t be the last time. 🙂

  19. Ian says:

    Well, I do some workout’s in my room, so I have some 40-50lbs dumbells in there…so that might hurt the rubber….getting cloncked on the head with a weight…and then theres me…if the guy has no weapon…just throw myself at him…how many people can stop a 6’4″ 250lbs guy…not too many.

  20. I have no idea what to put here..... says:

    I hate those creepy sounds in the night >_<

    I don’t exactly have any weapons in my room, either, so my best hope is to take a glass and break it against the wall, then throw the pointy pieces at the baddie. -_-

  21. Josh says:

    I keep a .357 magnum beside the bed for if I wake up with somebody already inside the house. If I hear something OUTSIDE I have a 12 guage handy as well.

  22. Marvaanagh says:

    Never underestimate the bag of marbles as a bludgeoning weapon either. Loose bag of heavy glass marbles could knock someone out cold real fast

  23. kenshin620 says:

    I used to have a katana i could’ve used if I was paranoid. since I moved to college, it’s switched to umbrella, chair, and mini fridge. Hey, if you can use it dead rising, it’s a weapon.

  24. Reg says:

    If I was the burglar, I’d be pretty distracted too…

  25. sam says:

    I have a sword and 2 daggers by my bed.

  26. Daniel says:

    I always do the “inventory when you hear a strange noise” thing too. Except mine’s a little different. I collect anime weapon replicas, like an 80 lb buster sword or a 45 lb solid steel keyblade for instance. So, I always know I have something to fend off unwanted guests. The problem I have is figuring out how to get one down from display fast enough and quiet enough to bludgeon my would be burglar without him knowing.

  27. thinkaboutit says:

    if a burglar were brave enough to break in get past my attack teacup chihuahua and epileptic lab they’ll have to deal with a slightly overweight white guy in his underwear wielding a replica Sword of Thundar screaming ‘THUNDERCATS HOOOOO!!!!’

    as a side note one of my friends is so paranoid that he hides weapons in easy to reach places in just about every room in his house…you know just in case…

  28. Gadora says:

    I sleep with a shinai and a hockey stick within easy reach.

  29. Go Gordon Freeman style: Use a Crowbar.

  30. Jon M. says:

    You, sir, are a genius! This comic is too brilliant for words…except that I think I just called it brilliant… Anyways, my old roommate used to have this Nightmare Before Christmas candle holder from Hot Topic that would have been perfect to keep by the bed for such an occasion. The thing was very ergonomic as a blunt instrument and it weighed at least 7 lbs. I wouldn’t want to get hit with it!

  31. no name says:

    Biff is an extremely silly person.

  32. Ghalko says:

    Tomahawk, or fencing sabre. The first would kill or maim, but the second would just hurt or scare. I won’t go through the full inventory, but the tomahawk is closest. (First comment)

  33. DracoZereul says:

    My parents watch a lot of horror movies and paranormal shows like A Haunting, so whenever I hear a noise, my mental check is never “what I can use to defend myself” but “what kind of spectre is gonna pop up and scare the living daylights out of me.”

    In that respect, though, I’m like a lot of others. I have a wooden sword by my bed, two swords with blades within reach in my room, and a 5-foot-long display sword with a suspiciously sharp tip hanging on the wall. Add to that the 20 or so dragon statues I have, some of which are pewter and riddled with pointy ridges, and I’d have to say I’m pretty safe.

  34. Izual Shima says:

    I like to fancy myself otherwise, but, being 27 yers old, I do belong to a generation that is heavily loaded with pop/sci-fi-fiction sub-culture stuff.

    So, despite my having enough martial training to be a capable threat to most intruders…and that training not including any edged weapons really…thus meaning I’d do way better with my bare hands or with a stick/staff…
    I do tend to grab whatever looks sharpest…or pointiest (screwdrivers mostly)…and wield them like Steven Seagal or some such guy…you know, holding it backward, with the blade outward obviously, but with the blunt side of it covering my wrist, sort of.

    I’m sure it serves a purpose in properly trained hands…just, not quite in mine. My reflexes need a more bit realism and a bit less action movie references.

    Luckily, I don’t own any firearms. Don’t know how to use them, and I’d be tempted to aim while holding it horizontal instead of vertical. You know, the cool pose in so many movies.
    And I’ve heard here and there, that there’s some risk to your hand and health if you grab it that way.

  35. Chris says:

    It’s interesting how many of you have swords!

  36. Chezetoats says:

    I do the whole “Inventory my room” thing as well, the only difference is I already know what I have and exactly what I would do. I have a nice training sword in reach, as well as a katana, kodachi, and wakazashi on a neat little display thing. The only difference is that I actually train with my sword regularly, so if someone broke in I could easily disarm them if they had a knife or blunt weapon. If they had a fire arm, well, I also have a shotgun and .22 caliber rifle in my closet.

  37. MaskedMan says:

    Dude – That arsenal would give most SWAT teams pause! 😀

    I’ve got broadswords, sabers, knives, hatchets, and axes too – They’re just locked up, out of reach of my four-year old and his ten-year sister, who would otherwise murderise each other. Neither one will touch the shotgun – They’ve got the Fear of Mom in them, over that item! 😉

    Frankly, if it came to intruders, I’d probably take the hammer, as my wife would almost certainly beat me to the shotgun!

  38. Zaffa says:

    I shall plant my Legos just inside my door, and when he steps in, BAM! Lego-feet! MWAHAHAHAHHA-*cough* Um. Yeah.

  39. zulka says:

    and thats why i keep a rapier above my bed

  40. Zabuza says:

    Here would be the perfect timing for the Biff-Ninja comic I suggested. 😉

  41. Mad Mule says:

    i got a nice handy hatchet that can be used for throwing or close combat but it is as dull as a plate well i guess it will really hurt if i threw it

  42. Tia says:

    You could always get a gun rack for your bed…


    Lol. Nothing says security like a person startled awake within armslength of a gun! =P

  43. AOEUD says:

    With regards to your twitter feed, I’ve gotten whiplash at my desk.

  44. IDK says:

    Three words: pocket knife collection (mostly switchblades and lock blades and the like.) 😀
    Hey, it’s Arkansas!

  45. MadDavid says:

    I have an antique rapier, an antique saber, two antique bayonets a bo stick, a dagger with a 10″ blade, an aluminum baseball bat, and a morningstar war flail. And I’m a black belt.

    So I figure I’m good whether the future holds burglars or zombie hoards. (What’s you’re zombie plan?)

  46. Foxman says:

    I’m a fencer, so my room is like a pin cushion

  47. Trevor says:

    Also, if a burglar got into my house, the insane side of me would probably take over and tell me to knock out the robber and restrain him in a room filled with blood while I’m hanging upside down wearing a Giygas mask and reciting the last paragraph of I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream. Then, after a while, I’d take out a knife and cut the rope I’m hanging from and slowly walk up to him. then, I’d just leave and come back after a bit wearing a flamingo mask and dance around him telling him how he’s going to rot in here.
    Don’t you just love my insane side?

  48. Vidja says:

    One of several reasons there is a machete under my bed

  49. Tofumage says:

    The “stumble it” button seems appropo today, placed just beneath your story!

    I’m a day late reading but wanted to let you know it’s the first Biff in a while that’s made me laugh out loud for the hilarity of it. I love Biff as a rule, but I think it was Puptron’s frantic expression that did me in completely.

  50. Genesismonk says:

    No swords, however I do have a flail that comes in handy.

  51. FSOneblin says:

    I think it would be cool to collect medieval weapons.

  52. Chuck says:

    I miss my golf clubs. =(

  53. Vidja says:

    That reminds me, mt friend just bought, like 5 swords from Bali.
    He likes to run his mouth saying that if we broke into his place, he would muderise them before they got up the stairs. I know for a fact that the worst he can do is swear like Gordon Ramsey at you while he’s still asleep.

    That is one of the reasons I have a bag of marbles handy whenever I sleep over.

  54. Destined says:

    Hmmm, this intrigues me.

    What do I have in the room for defense….

    3 Throwing Knives,
    1 Kunai,
    1 Dagger,
    1 BB Gun
    1 Katana,
    Quite a few “Mysterious Wires”
    A Butterfly Swiss Army Knife/Pliers thing
    A Lamp, with the lamp cover missing,
    4 Speakers for use in throwing,
    3 Monster Energy Drinks and a box of chocolates, in case of “emergency situations

    That about sums it up.

  55. Colin says:

    I totally keep a blackjack near my bed. One of those extendable beating sticks? Also, theres a 2X4, a bowling ball, and several other beating-capable objects when thrown

  56. The Dustin says:

    Lets see… Blunt object collection in closet right next to me bed… The real decision is metal or wood? and I have fashioned as Buckler (small armbound shield) out of our old Satellite dish (the dish itself). as well as a katana, but it’s not sharp. if I’m gonna fight off a burgler, it’s better with a blunt metal mace-like object than a ‘Not sharp, not able to actually do any damage’ display katana… in fact my metal mace-like object is the arm that held the dish in place…. now to make a projectile weapon out of the nuts, bolts, and screws…

  57. jykcor says:

    my dad has a CRAPLOAD of guns in the cabinet in his room. I’d just grab either the shotgun or the ol’ springfield ’06 rifle. If I didn’t have time, then my conviently-placed-in-my-dresser hunting knife. If all else fails, I’ll scare him with the laser sight on my NERF gun =)

  58. TheGSE says:

    I’m a 200 pound pasty white male who sleeps in the nude. If that doesn’t work, I’ve found I’m strong enough to use everything but the colossal tv and the refrigerator as a weapon. (my brother and I cannot stand each other, what can I say.)

  59. Oh my god the comments are just as funny if not funnier then the comic itself.
    Too much laughing… can’t breathe…

  60. Nokore says:

    I have a sword and a variety of sharp, pointy mini-screwdrivers that I have become very adept at stabbing people with due to a previous break-in… Not to mention a few sharp silver letter openers and a suspiciously pointy set of decorative chopsticks. >>… I can turn almost anything into a weapon if the need arises. xD

  61. Renan says:

    i know it sounds freaky, but since my window is really close to a easily climbable ledge, i sleep with a knife under my pillow.

  62. tohma says:

    Weapons that are in my room:

    Steel Baton Extendable

    .40 caliber pistol


    pocket knife

    anything that isn’t bolted down that I can pick up and throw.

  63. Hornswaggler says:

    Someone’s probably already said this (didn’t bother reading 60 or so comments) but this is a bit reminiscent of another comic. XD Not the comic itself, but the commentary. Joo told us about this before, Chris! SHAME. xDDD

  64. mrmeval says:

    I used to do that as well. Now I just have a pistol as I’m old enough to no longer be invulnerable. I may however use the pre-christian era pattern gladius just to say that I used a pre-christian era pattern gladius on TV. The blacksmith at
    http:://www.sharppointythings.com made it for me. He’s now making a scabbard for it and doing finishing work on it.

  65. kgy121 says:

    I just keep an axe in my closet. 😀

  66. Michael-Forest says:

    I practice HEMA, and so I’ve got a number of swords in my house. However, most of these are wooden/plastic “wasters”, and my steel is blunt. It would probably still cause horrific bludgeoning wounds if I swung it hard, though it’s not quite the same. However, I don’t keep any of these in my room, so if someone broke in, they’d be more likely to reach my weapons before I would…

  67. YukiSnowflake says:

    i make an inventory anyway, just incase.
    kind of reminded me of THIS:
    anyway, i had to make a list of my “weapons of destruction”:
    @ many hardbacked books (*under bed, hard to reach*)
    @ compass (*pointy circle kind, in pencil case in bag, under bed*)
    @ lamp (*non-existent ;p*)
    @ mouldy cheese (*under bed, yet again*)
    @ yesterdays socks (*under bed*)
    as you can guess, most of my “weapons” are actually under my bed, which is annoying considering i sleep on the top bunk of a bunk-bed (*with a very crap ladder that usually falls down and i hardly ever use*)

  68. Marscaleb says:

    I had to stare at this for a minute before I got it. But once I did, I laughed out loud.

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